I sat up. Then I thought, should I be sitting up yet? Am I sitting up too soon? Will it look like a fight for control when I am supposed to be surrendering? The last thing I said, three times, repeating it from Joel, was, “I surrender, I am surrendering, I have surrendered.” Then I thought, this self-consciousness, this need to measure everything I do against what others are doing, is exactly one of the things I’m supposed to be working on. I lay back down and struggled with other questions. I wanted to talk through it, make sense of everything, start processing and capturing. I wanted to say that I knew I hadn’t completely left myself because I could still feel my throat, at the heart of the experience, and I could feel myself swallowing and consciously forcing myself to take deep breaths because it felt like I might…
